I’m still currently unmedicated for my anxiety and I’ve been wondering if I should try to see if I can refocus and go without the medication because I’m sick and tired of forking out money I don’t have to see a doctor so I can get a fucking refill. I fucking hate going to the doctor just for that. Why the fuck when you start seeing a doctor do they make it like that? I know why… its money. Money fucking money and I am frustrated. I’m not a gold digger, I work and I would work overtime and have whenever they offer it because I’m struggling and I hate it which is why I’ve been looking into alternatives for employment because I’m tired of never having a vacation day, rarely opted for overtime, paid holidays, etc and so on. I am more than a bit frustrated by this because I’ve felt like this has gone on so long and just seems to perpetuate.

I feel like I’m losing hope as well. I haven’t seen my family or friends back home in almost 4 years and I miss them all the time. It sometimes comforts me to talk with them on the phone. I enjoy doing Skype with Paula and seeing the kids but I have a serious longing to see them and be comforted. I feel  like I don’t have a clue as to when I’ll ever see my family. I’m trying to figure out where I should go and what I should do because I’m tired of being so far away and tired of this situation. Tired of the perpetual bullshit that seems to be unending.  And I’m tired in general,  this next week is the last week on this current schedule then there’s shift change so I’ll be going from two graves and three swings to three swings and two mornings. I’m really hoping that the interview went well because I feel I need this, need to stop being the temp.

I’m tired of feeling like I’ve been the temp in my life. Temp with relationships because none of them have worked out. I don’t feel I’ll ever have a happily ever after. I’ll never have the childhood dream of wearing the pretty dress or having my friends with me and laughing and dancing and feeling beautiful and having someone love me that much and want to be with me and show the world that they love me and that they’re going to stay and not run, not drop the ball, not have someone on the side, not be ignored, not be controlled, not be abused, not be cheated on, not be worth their time.